So we're starting a relationship Series today. Somebody- I'm excited, I'm believing you- showed up today on purpose, and I'm believing other people today didn't show up on purpose. I'm just kidding, I'm I'm kidding. Maybe they're on vacation. I hope they watch this in post.

There's a little Echo going on. If we can fix that, that'd be dope, all right. So I've been looking forward to this series for a long, long time. I told you guys that I planned the Jonah series over a year before we started it. It's the same thing with this relationship series.

I don't know why I couldn't come up with a, a name, but I didn't. But I did did know what I was going to preach on, and so over the next four weeks we're going to cover things that cause us to disconnect in our relationships. And you might think: why is he going to be negative? I'm not trying to be negative. I'm trying to help you understand that if you were going to live in a marriage or relationship that embodies that which Christ has encouraged us, you g to have to learn how to deal with conflict.

Look at your neighbors say you got to deal with conflict. There are three types of marriages, and I know I'm oversimplifying today. There are three types. How many types of marriages are there? Three, three General types of marriage.

I know your marriage is different, but these three I think you fit into. There are people who fight. You don't have to raise your hand, it's okay, I'm. I'm one of them. You know people who fight in their relationships, maybe a little more aggressive, maybe both type A personalities and they're like in order to get to the store with one kid, not two.

We got to figure life out and we're going to fight about it, all right, that's not necessarily a bad thing. The second group of people are those who- you want to guess it- don't fight. Those who don't fight. Now, that's not necessarily a good thing.

There are those in this room who you have a relationship where you don't fight at all, and some of you, yes, over the years you have just learned one another and you're living a lifestyle that embodies the work of Christ and in your marriage you are just great. Y'all never fight. But then there are people in this room who who they don't fight, but it's not because they know Jesus. They don't fight because there's two people living in a household and they might have failed to understand what God meant by making husband and wife one. And then there's a third group of people.

The third group of people is kind of where I would aspire to be. It's those who have learned how to manage conflict. I was reading a book recently. It was called fight right. It's by John and Julie gotman.

It's a very helpful book and what that book assumes is that everybody fights. Some people say they don't fight, but a fight could be just a little bitty argument. It could be like H, we kind of got on each other's nerves a little bit today because he didn't do the dishes or because she didn't take out the trash. You see, I flip gender roles there typically. Anyways, whatever I was proud of myself for that one.

But, but everybody, they may not fight in the way that you perceive fighting, because you grew up in maybe an unhealthy household where, your, your parents were like always at each other throats, and you grew up and you said I'm not going to be that way and so you are, together, but you're still separate. You've just learned how not to argue about the things that you disagree with, right, but there is a way to get to the place where you manage healthily the conflict. That is natural to all of us. And the problem with the first one, if you're just fighting, is there's two people coming into a relationship and you're trying to figure out how to become one, but you can't figure it out. There are ways to combat that situation.

The problem with not fighting at all is that there are two people in a relationship and God's design is for you to become one in Christ Jesus, to where you understand one another and you don't have to agree on everything. But you're living in such a way that that you come together in all things. But there's a lot of people in the world who have become content with living together but separate it. It's people- and I'm not judging anyone- who does this. An example might be: , she's got her finances, I've got my finances and we've just come to agreement on how we're going to do this stuff.

It's like she's living her life, I'm living my life. My wife sees a lot of people in counseling. She's not allowed to tell me anything about those people because of confidentiality, but she can give General, you know, just area references to how marriages are. And if there's one thing I've learned from chatting with her and, honestly, being a pastor in a church where married people show up on once in a while, I have learned that people can easily become content in being roommates but not understanding the call to become one in Christ Jesus, and they don't fight and it's because there's not a deep level connection. And then again, that third layer is when we've learned to manage conflict healthily but also recognize that God has called us to become one.

He says the, the, the, the wife shall leave the, father and mother and cling to her husband this, like we are becoming one. And I am of the opinion that you cannot become one. You can. Two people cannot become one without any type of abrasion at all and with no friction, if that's, you come talk to me after this because I want to learn from you. But for the most part, when two people with different upbringings, different mentalities, some people, different theologies, when they come together, there's some abrasion that happens, some rough edges on both, both sides.

When my wife and I came together, we were those who decided we didn't want to be a couple that didn't tell each other what we thought we want to be, a couple that that managed conflict. But before we learned to manage conflict we were fighting. My wife's been looking forward to this series. She's really been looking forward to it. I think I owe her shoes and other things.

You, I'm, I'm buy you some more training when it comes to psychology, I don't know, but, I don't know where that even came from. But she's been looking forward to this, because I'm going to be honest with you about some things in my marriage. And when we started out, we would fight. We fought because I said I'm not going to be like the people that I saw growing up. You never saw them fight, but then, as soon as the kids graduate from high school, they get divorced.

I've seen that happen over and over. It's because they weren't managing conflict, they just weren't fighting. And then they became roommates and the kids left. It's like, what are we doing anymore? And then they disconnected, and so, for me and my household, I wanted me and my wife to be able to have these conversations, but we didn't know how to manage conflict.

 If you take prepare and enrich, which is like a marriage assessment, we were a- quote unquote- conflicted couple when we got married. We loved each other, we were Christians, we followed Jesus, man, we were, we were doing pretty well, but we were conflicted couple. Why? Because she came in one way, I came in another way and we decided that conflict could be healthy, but it wasn't at first. So we would fight, and there were ways that we would fight that were very, very unhealthy.

Even now, 12 years into our marriage, next week or two weeks from now, we still argue and are developing the art of managing conflict healthy. So the goal of this series is to recognize that all of us have abrasions when we come together in a relationship with a significant other and again, I want you to know this applies to other people, to. You may not be becoming one with the person, that cut you off in traffic, but there is a relational skill. We can develop velop from this four-part series, and I hope- it is my heart- that you would develop your ability to manage conflict through the series. I think if you can manage conflict, your marriage is much more likely to succeed.

My wife is what they call a Gman therapist, meaning she did a lot of study in the area of Gatman therapy, which is, an explicitly marriage and family or couples therapy, and I don't know much more about it beyond that, other than what she's told me that I'm going to incorporate into this message. But what I do know is John and Julie gotman say that the vast majority of divorces happened because people are incapable of managing their conflict well, and what happens is they fall into one of four categories or all of the above, and if you do these four categories that we're going to talk about over the next few weeks, you're much less likely to succeed in your marriage or your relationships. So we want to learn to manage conflict well. I think the Bible has a lot to say about managing conflict, so my hope today will be to intro you into the first conflict, and my sermon title is called. Are you being too critical?

Are you being too critical, John? Julie gotman would call this the first of the Four Horsemen of the destruction, or Apocalypse, of your marriage. There are four things, and over the next four weeks I'm going to talk about them. The first one is criticism, the second is defensiveness, the third is contempt and the fourth is stonewalling. If you don't know about these things, this is going to be a great series for you and you're going to want to keep coming.

For some of you, you're going to think: oh yeah, this is obvious and basic. Those who are blessed in their marriages do the basic things really well and consistently. Amen, somebody? U it's not like there's some like superpower that you're going to develop through this series. Because I gave you an idea from the Bible that, all of a sudden, you're going to employ.

There's not some Secret Sauce, there's just sauce, and you haven't been incorporating it into your marriage. So we're going to learn- not Secret Sauce, just normal, everyday sauce, a condiment that you can add on to your relationships that will make you so much more effective. We're going to talk about criticism today. Criticism is the start of the downhill trajectory in your relationships. It really is.

How many of you, if you're honest in this room, would say you struggle with being overly critical? All right, it's not everybody, not everybody's critical. Next week might be more for you than this week, but most of us, we struggle with criticism. I struggled deeply with criticism, I'm scared to tell you this, but this applies in the way that I lead this church too. If you see me walk in from outside, I am scanning the environment for things that are out of place.

That's natural for me. I think it might be natural for some of you. You've been going to church your entire life and you walk into a church and you're scanning for what's out of place, not necessarily looking for the Holy Spirit to be working- but you're like there's a crack in that pipe and drape right there. None of y'all can see it, but I can see it. I saw someone walk through that pipe and drape over there there just now when I was walking in.

The music wasn't loud enough. I'm not saying today, but like I'm thinking of all the things I'm scanning the environment for. This is just what I do at church that you guys can connect with at home. If I do it at church when I'm leading a bunch of people that I didn't know more than a year ago, how do you think I am at home? I'm overly critical.

I'll be able to preach this message really well, because I understand what it feels like to be overly critical. I'm not saying it's a good thing. I am very clearly saying it is a struggle that I deal with. So I don't want you to think, oh, Matt deals with it, so it's okay for me to deal with it. I'm in good company.

Yeah, no, in this area is Bad Company. Like both of us are critical, we got to work on this because it's going to hurt you in your relationships. Criticism is what starts that downward trajectory. So we've got to work on our criticism. You might be dealing with things in your relationships that somebody else's, maybe they're overly defensive, or maybe they're frustrated at you for various reasons.

 But if you're the one that is critical, I can tell you this with 90% assurance: that the critical person is usually the one who starts the conflict, at least in the form of an argument. It's both sides that are in the wrong, but the one who is more critical tends to start these negative, frustrating arguments and fights. And if you can't get a handle on your criticism, you're going to struggle in your relationships. And there's some people in this room who are like I want to say Amen right now, but if I did, my spouse would be critical of it. Okay, I'm picturing their conversation after they drop their kids off and go on their date day.

It's going to be good, this is good. I like honesty in this room. I'm going to be honest with you, so I'd love for you to be honest, with me. I want to give one more disclaimer or clarifier. I'm going to say things about myself that are true, and what I don't want you to think is- because I'm giving you true information about me- that that means the worst as, or the worst possibility is happening in my marriage.

It can be true for a small thing. That truth also is true and a big thing. So when I'm talking about the truth of my criticism, that doesn't mean I'm coming home and I am being verbally abusive. I just want to be clear about that, because I've had people come up to me after I talk about family Dynamics and they're like: you don't love your kids very much, do you like you? That's what you got.

So I just want to be very clear. I'm being vulnerable, but it's to help you guys out. So let's talk about criticism. First point I want to give you. It comes from the text and it's going to be in Galatians, chapter 5, starting in verse 13, and I'm just going to read this text because I think it's helpful for each of us, and if I did this without the Bible, we' be surely in trouble.

He says this: you, my brothers and sisters, talking to the church: we're called to be free, but do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh. Rather, serve one another humbly in love, for the entire law is fulf filled in keeping this one command. Say it with me: love your neighbor as yourself. If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. Lord, help me with this.

Lord. Help me. Help people understand what this means at a not just a practical or visceral level, but God at an intellectual level. It's in Jesus name that I pray. God, help me.

I need help with this one. My first point is kind of in the form of a question: what is, what is criticism? What does it look like? What does criticism look like? Criticism looks like a harsh tone.

That's the first one. If they can pull it up, that'd be great. Anyone start your conversations with a harsh tone once in a while. Let's be real. Here's what happens for me, and this is the normal one that occurs: a harsh tone.

I'll come home after a long day of working. I'll have maybe been meeting with people. Some of those conversations went well. Other conversations didn't go as well. I'm a pastor: some people trying to come to the church, other people trying to go away from the church, and both of those kind of go into my psyche.

Then I'm coming home and when I come home, maybe, my mom, who lives in our nextg suite, is there. Maybe my kids are there cuz they got home from school. My wife, she works from home up in her office and then maybe she's there in the room. If they're all there, maybe my mom is cooking, cuz I'm blessed to have a mom in the house who can cook. It's an amazing thing.

But I walk in and I'll look around the house and I'm scanning my environment and if I look at the environment and in my walk, walk away, there's stuff in the floor. Again, I'm not judging anybody but, like my, there's a need within me. I'm OCD, I don't know. You might not be OCD, but I'm a little OCD. I like to come home to a fairly clean house.

If I cleaned it the night before and if it's not clean when I walked in, then somebody else dirtied it, right, all right. So I come in and immediately I'm say, hey guys, why, why is it like this? And- and I'm starting off with a, a tone, and might not be shouting or yelling, that's rare, but usually it's like it's kind of a frustrated tone and if I start off with that tone, the people in the room feel like I'm being critical. Another way is you might exaggerate. I got some exaggerators in the room.

I've heard you gossip about people before. I've heard you watch the news and then tell me about the news in a way that it's clearly not that way. In the article you read, you're just telling me about it. My wife's fun like that. She'll tell me about the news and she's like: did you hear?

And I'm like whoa, you chill out a little bit and she's not criticizing or anything but. But when there's exaggeration in it can create an environment. Maybe you come home and you say this is always the way it is, or you never clean up. Or when we go out in public, you never start the conversation, you never initiate intimacy. I keep going on this like always or never are terms my wife and I are learning not to use, and when we're really angry we use it.

Someone cuts the other person off, say hey, hold up, sweetie. You just said always or never, and then we hope that doesn't always work. But, exaggeration can like that's. That's what criticism can look like. You always do this or you never do this?

The next one: sometimes you start with a why, and in leadership I'm taught to start with a why. I've got to lead this room with the why. Why do we do this? Because Christ Jesus has called us into a mission where we're to go unto the Nations, making disciples, baptizing them in the name of the father, Son and Holy Spirit. So why do we start this church?

It's because we want to fulfill the Great Commission. Why that's great in leadership. But if I come home and say why is it always this way? Or why did you do this? Or or why aren't the kids in bed yet- and I'm just talking marriages here- I could say an employee- maybe you're a manager- you said, hey, why did you do it this way?

And you didn't mean it in any negative way, but you asked a why question and what that does is it kind of elicits a response or solicits a response from the person. That makes them wonder if you think that what they're doing is wrong. So why did you do it this way? Or or why do you always? That's the form of criticism, joking and sarcasm.

Let's be real in this place- I've heard it: , I'm in leadership, right. So people come in. They're like, yeah, it's not planned as usual, or or something like that, and they're saying it in the form of a joke. And I want to empathize because I do the same thing. You know why you're saying it in the form of a joke.

You know why when I come home and say, oh man, looks like I got to do the dishes. Yay, it's true. Right, I say it in the form of a joke because I'm trying to reduce the harsh tone. But anyone with kind of emotional intelligence around you hears that joke and immediately feels a certain way, because joking and sarcasm increase confusion. They're not clear like you think they are, and so it comes out in the form of.

It feels like criticism. How about should have and would have? Instead of doing this, you should have done this? Or I wish we would have done this instead of this? When those things come out, there, any kids in the room?

 Well, I heard this on a on a podcast I was listening to recently. They, they call it Shing on people is what they say. I want you to remember this. They say: if you're saying you should have done this, you should have done this one. Not only is your posture outward focused on somebody else.

Rather than learning how to accommodate and be relational and thinking ahead trying to figure out what to say, you were telling somebody else that they should have done something differently. I want to give you an example of how criticism in that way can really really be detrimental, not only to your closest relationships, but in general. I remember when I went to a church-, because I had just finished my education and just to give you some clarity, I did my Seminary degree in New Testament and I didn't feel like leaving the church I was at and they didn't run as fast as I did, so I didn't want to go go crazy, so they invited me to continue schooling. So I went through all my seminars for a PhD program in the New Testament and right after that PhD program, I went to a church and the first thing someone said to me is: people think you're cocky and I know it all now. Maybe I was coming across that way, but they say you should have responded differently, or you should say this instead of this.

What they did was they kick my legs out from under me and I started losing confidence. I was still just as cocky, but I lost confidence. There's a Harvard Business review article that actually tells you when you give, critical feedback, sometimes you're missing the reason that they're doing something in the first place. You're telling them what they should do or shouldn't do, and you're cutting their legs out from under them. What you should say- and I'm going to get to this in the antidote- is that you feel a certain way about how they're doing something, but with criticism, you're telling them what they're doing.

And then there's another one. There's nonverbal expression that can come across is criticism. I'm going to give you a couple examples. Or when you're- he's a non-verbal- you're walking around scrubbing everything that wasn't scrubbed. When you got home, when, when you guys had all agreed to clean the house, I'm going to give you too much of my own stuff.

Hey, they're great, I love them. They're cleaning the house. They do all this other stuff. I happen to be like clinically OCD- not actually clinical, I don't take any meds for it, but I might as well just say it because I'm I'm a, I'm on The Struggle Bus when it comes to wanting the house to be clean and smell, Perfect, all. So I'm starting to scrub, scrubbing, I'm doing dishes and then, all right, I'm going to take the kids to bed, you good, all right, cool, and that's what I do.

It's a nonverbal that communicates critically. You got to watch your tongue. I didn't say anything, I didn't use a harsh tone, I know, but you're an adult and you know how you were vibing nonverbals. Then we got another one, and this is really what criticism is: is you are focusing on a person's character rather than focusing on a behavior. This is, this is how criticism comes across, and the person that hears you criticizing will very often hear a hit on their character rather than a hit on the behavior, and so I would encourage you now.

This could be very helpful for you. You could. You could really improve your relationships if, when you're maybe vocalizing a, a complaint because it's going to happen, you think through it and you recognize that. Hey, you know what. I'm frustrated at the person, but more deeply, I'm frustrated at their behavior, and so correcting a behavior looks much different than correcting a person for who they are, and that's something that we're going to go into in a few moments with the antidotes.

But really, where does all that come from? That's what criticism looks like, but it comes from something deeper and this might seem common to you. You might be aware of this, but I think it'll be helpful for you to think about it in terms of your relationships. And here's what I say. This, the point they put up earlier: criticism stems from an unmet need.

The reason you're criticizing is because you have a need that you feel like is being unmet. Now, when we criticize, what we're telling ourselves in the moment is that somebody else did something wrong and we have to. We have to kind of come back into ourselves and say, well, what's the real issue here? And are they doing something wrong by not doing what you expected them to do, even if you haven't like, maybe you haven't chatted about it? Are they doing something wrong by living life the way that they've decided to live their life?

Not necessarily. Yes, some. Sometimes things are wrong. I know, I like. Some bad things happen.

You can definitely criticize the people who are going out and doing crazy stuff. That's against God. But for the most part, you live with a me well-meaning individual. They're not bad people. They're trying to do right, and when we criticize, what we're doing is we're saying they meant to do something.

But if you zoom out a little bit, you'll recognize that the reason I'm frustrated is because there's a need that I have that is unmet, and so then I'm lashing out on the other person. This is where Paul's talking about, and he's talking to the church- not necessarily husbands and wives, but what he is saying to them. He says: if you bite and devour one another, you're going to be consumed or destroyed, and that's what's happening in the church. People are being critical of one another in the church. It's like you should have done it this way.

It's so funny how Facebook works, because this week happened to be a big week on Facebook criticism. Just show a hands. How many of you have even looked at the comment section on our Facebook? Thank you, I'm so glad. Maybe no one else ISS either, but this week happened to be a name.

Where did y'all get that name from? And then another one was like you guys didn't put the website. Y'all just want us to fill out our information and you guys did this and you guys did this. There was one on Instagram once we posted something. This person said: I've never met a Christian that loves people.

And no, lie straight up, they haven't met the good Christians, I know, but that's what was on our Instagram and what it is- and this is what I've learned to hear- is that there is a need that is being, or has been, unmet, and so they're lashing out on Facebook. In your closest relationships it's the same. Think of the last time you said, man, you should have done this, or why' you do this, or you yelled at somebody or lashed out on them in some form or fashion. Maybe you're joking around all the time with this sarcasm that you think they're not interpreting the way that that you really mean it. But they are right.

Think of the last time you did something like that and think about the need that you were trying to meet. Now, just Pro tip criticism will not get you to meeting that need. Just going to be real with you. It will not get to that need, but you have a need and if you can become aware of your needs, then you can start articulating those needs much more effectively. In the ancient world, in this ancient Church in galatia, there's a need that's not being met.

 In the community around galatia and Paul's saying: hey, you got to stop criticizing one another, you've got to humbly serve one another, because this is what God's called you to, because the greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself. You've got to humble yourself and recognize that when you lash out on people you're actually hurting them, and then you're hurting your relation relationship and then you go into this cycle where your relationship does not get better because you said what you said. In fact it only gets worse and it brings you into defensiveness and frustration and contempt and eventually the relationship is completely severed. But God doesn't want that. God has built us for Community.

He's built you for your spouse if you become married with them. He's built you to connect with other people. So if God's called us to be connected with people and we're doing something that disconnects us from people, we got to flip it, we got to shift. And the first way to shift it is to recognize that you have an unmet need and become aware of it. I recognize this.

It doesn't always fix it, but I recognize I'm a little OCD and I have a need- at least I think I have a need to- for my baseboards to be clean once in a while, and I do them. I have a need in the morning when I wake up to, to go work in a place that is kind of clean. I'm so bad that when I'm in Black Rock Coffee and there's trash on the table next to me I'm kind of like, hey, can I get rag? I'm going to clean it up that. Like that's how bad I am.

Okay, that is a need. I recognize that's a need. So over time I have- I would love to say, I've- completely gotten rid of my tendency to criticize. But what I do is now I've learned to communicate that need so that the other people around me recognize that need. That does not mean they need to fully accommodate to my need just because I told them- I'll be clear to- the couples in the room said: see, if I tell you my need, I wasn't harsh, I wasn't rude, I didn't say it the wrong way, I said it very nicely and you did not accommodate, you didn't do what the pastor said or the Gman method.

That's notm. You're the reason we're going to be in a divorce one of these days. No, that's not what I'm saying. That doesn't mean they have to accommodate. It means, as you give them awareness because you've become aware of that need, it becomes a conversation and that conversation draws you closer to one another, not farther apart.

But again, if you're just critical, that starts the crazy cycle. That starts the cycle that gets you arguing and then all you're doing is trying to fix the argument rather than fix the actual problem and need: the need that you have. You've got an UNM need. You might write down some of the needs that you need met in your relationships, not to tell them, but to become aware of them. Criticism stems from an unmet need.

I give you a couple antidotes to these criticisms or to the tendency to criticize, because, like I said, criticism starts the vast majority of your arguments and if you can work on criticism, your relationship is going to get much better. And I keep saying this just to remind you, because it's easy for me to default to the marriage relationship. It works here in the church. That's why I use the Scripture from Galatians, chapter 5. He says: if you bite and devour one another, you're going to be consumed and we are called to be made whole in Christ Jesus.

So if we don't get our stuff in check at home, then it's going to bleed out into our relationships here and then we're not going to be a church that looks whole in Christ Jesus. We're going to be a church that looks segmented, that's full of gossip and frustration, and then we're not going to be who God called us to be to the people in Buckeye. But it starts with your close relationships, and here are a couple antidotes to criticism, and this doesn't necessarily mean you'll never criticize. It means that you're learning how to, give feedback, to complain properly, because fights will happen. You just need to learn how to manage that conflict.

 The first one is it needs to start with what they call a gentle startup. A gentle start, start out. Look at your neighbor, say Start, Gentle. You tell yourself in your head: I need to start gentle. I've been yelling, shouting, frustrated, joking, being mean, rude, like continually like judging my spouse, thinking that they want to wrong me, when the reality is they're probably not even thinking about me when they did that thing, and I wish they would think about me.

But can I be mad at them for not thinking about me? Sure, but does it help me to tell them they're not thinking about me and I'm frustrated about it? No, absolutely not. So maybe I should start with a gentle. Hey, how was your day today day?

A gentle startup. I'm going to preach out of this text next week: Proverbs 15:1. It says a soft answer turns away wrath. But a harsh or an angry response stir up Strife. If you start with a harsh response, it's going to be very frustrating situation.

But if you start soft, that doesn't mean you won't get AR into arguments, but it means you did start better and you started the process of fighting right and managing conflict together. The first one is a gentle startup, and you might think: how do I do a gentle startup? Well, here's my second one. You start with eye statements, start with eye statements. This is great for General feedback, and there might be some people in this room say: where's the Bible in all this?

I, I think there's something we can recognize in the ministry of Paul is that he always communicates kind of the hypocrisy that he lives in. He said I, I, I'm the chief of Sinners, but I want to encourage you in this direction. He says I struggle, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. At all times I got a thorn in my flesh. I am not perfect.

When I came to you guys, I was figuring stuff out, but then he communicates the, the complaint or the encouragement that he wants to give them. He always starts now he doesn't always do it in a way is biblical, it's true. But Paul even admits that his first letter to the Corinthian Church was a little more harsh than he intended. And so when you look at 2 Corinthians, you see that his tone is much different. When I'm reading First Corinthians, I'm like I'm trying to get some people amped and ready, to follow God, even if it requires conviction.

When I'm in second Corinthians, I look at Paul's tone and he's like we're called to be The Fragrant Aroma of Christ Jesus wherever we go. Paul's casting Vision, using imagery in second Corinthians in such a way that when he ends, we can recognize that though we are frail and weak, God through us can be strong and present right. It's a totally different tone. Both are valuable, but in this case he recognized he was too harsh. He starts with his own situation.

So I would encourage you: start with I. My wife is so good at this. She's amazing at this. I don't always respond well to it because I know the counseling trick, but she's so amazing. She says: hey, Matt, I feel like we've been disconnected today.

Now sometimes I still respond with defensive: that's cuz I've been to work all day, sweetie, we just I got here 5 minutes ago. I was cleaning up cuz nobody else cleaned up, and you know that's. That's not right on my part, that's defensiveness. That's next week, but she'll start. Hey, I feel like we need to have a conversation about the kids.

She's very calm about it. Again, it doesn't solve the entire problem, but it's better than her saying: hey, you need to figure out the way that you're talking to these kids, which one, I feel, or you should. We know one's better than the other, and so I want to encourage you: use eye statements if it's with your spouse and you've been frustrated at them about something, or just any other person you might start with. And this is how Harvard Review actually tells us to give good employees feedback. Hey, I felt this way when you did this.

Can you tell me where that came from? With no judgment in your voice? No, no, harsh tone. A gentle startup that starts with an I. The second thing you can do: if you recognize that the conversation might get a little bit heated because you've been stressed or busy, what you can do is you can schedule time to discuss.

This is a very valuable thing. You, if you try to handle something in the moment while you're both equally flooded and frustrated. That conversation is going to go super long and someone's going to vocalize things they shouldn't say like I hate you or divorce. This was me and my wife. We never mentioned divorce in our entire marriage, but early on in our marriage one of us said the word hate and the only time it's ever happened.

But it was in the middle of a flooded moment where it just came out and the other person knew the other person didn't mean it, but it came out. And this is what happens when you don't schedule the time you need in order to step into a proper conversation. You might benefit when you're both flooded with saying: hey, how about we come back in 30 minutes and schedule the time to talk about this, where neither of us are frustrated? This isn't to say, hey, you're flooded, I'm chill, I could have this conversation right now, but you can't, so we need to take a break and when we come back we can actually have a logical conversation. Sweetie, that's not what I'm saying.

You see, I'm being very clear because I've used all these same things, because I know the tricks of the trade, since she's a couple's therap- and I'm like: hey, sweetie, you're flooded, how about you take some time and she's like: here's a rule when you take time- I'll talk about this in stonewalling- when you need to take time, you always give a time frame and I'm like, hey, how much time you need, sweetie, this is what gotman tell us to do. And she's like 3 hours and she's just frustrated, right. But what I'm saying is like: take this seriously, schedule a real time to discuss it, when maybe you have time, you're not overly busy. Next one: shift your body language. Sometimes there's nothing better when, when you're coming home, than to just come give your spouse a kiss.

Can't do that if you're not married to them or or related like you know, relating to them in a intimate way. So, if it's just a normal relationship, you can come like give him a bro hug, give him a side hug. You can. It's like: how much better do you feel like? So what happens is some people come into church.

I'm, I'm, I'm going to preach about church for a second guest experience. People come into church and one of their biggest complaints- not here, but at other churches I've been to- is: nobody said anything to me, right? And they're coming in with whatever their posture is. Could be good, could be neutral could be bad, and we have the opportunity, even with non-verbal expression, to be simple about it and just to give them a wave, just to smile at them, to say, hey, if we shift our posture, it shifts their perspective. Then the last, or the last two things.

Next one is: start with positive and express appreciation. If you can tell yourself what's worth appreciating about the other person- this is everybody- - then it'll shift your mindset. I've learned something in management that is easy for you to see what hasn't been accomplished. I'm not talking about Carz or Kaylee, I'm just talking in general, guys. I just want you to know, all right, but it's easy to see what hasn't been accomplished and be critical of it.

But then if you start counting what has been accomplished that you maybe even weren't expecting to be accomplished as a manager, you start to get more excited and recognizing it, whereas when you're stuck and steeped and critic, ISM, you're just frustrated the whole time and- and that's not the spirit that that resides in each of us who have trusted in Jesus-, that's the way that we can adjust our tendency to criticize. But again, I want to come back to this reality that we criticize because we have a need within ourselves that has not been met. And you might be thinking, yeah, I can change my tone, I can change my vibe, I can change everything about me in order to be accommodating to my spouse, to my kids, to the extended family, to the church, to my employer, to my employee. I can make all these adjustments. But, Matt, what if they don't?

And I get it. There was a tendency for us to think that I deserve to be treated in a particular way. But I hope, through this series, to help you recognize that the reason we step into unhealthy responses in our relationships is because we are responding incorrectly, to our, to accessing the need, and we think they need to provide it for us. But I want to give you my final point when it comes to the antidote is: I want you to think, I want you to think. You don't have to look at your neighbor, just say, think, say, think, say, say, say, say, say it out loud.

You need to think, think, think. I, I was trying to, I was going to say it a worse way. I was going to say: just use your brain. But I wanted to be nice to you today, you, you got to think, like criticism. Here's what I wrote.

I wrote. It might be on the screen. Expressing your need without forethought or thinking generally comes out as a nag. All the men said that. I'm so sorry, women, but you do it too, men, expressing your need without forethought or using your brain is a nag.

I heard one person say harsh words are lazy words and if there's one thing I've learned, being a fully grown adult with abstract thought for almost 10 years at this point, because I am 36- is that if I think for a second, I can come up with a better output that I usually do. Anyone with me. I just want to make sure I'm preaching to the room- you're understanding me- like, if you think for a second, the thing you were going to say might slip from your mind and you're going to say something a little bit more productive if you think for a second- not, I mean if you think for maybe not a second- 30 seconds. Some of you need 30 Seconds To Think. I need 30 seconds sometimes cuz I come in and I've got to get through.

 What is it? Alligators are hry, because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush I got. I got to deal with my medulla oblata, my amygdala, all the seats of emotions in my brain. I got to let them bypass that and go into my prefrontal cortex, where I'm reasonable for a second, and I've learned from me: it takes about 15 to 30 seconds to move from emotion to logic. And so, if I can wait about 15 to 30 seconds and think, what does Christ want me to say?

If I think, what would be the most productive thing to say? If I think, how can I not be frustrated here but be fruitful here? If I think, if I use my brain, look at your neighbor this time and say: use your head, use your head. You're scared to say it, but it's true. If you, if you vocalize your need without thinking about it, it's going to come out in the form of a nag.

And your criticism has been coming out in the form of nagging. Why is the house never clean? That's not how I say it, that's how they hear it every time. Though, why is the dises not done? Wh, why?

Why do I? Why do I have to do everything? Or? Or why does this have to happen? Or why do you parent the kids this way?

Or? Or why do you? Why do you work this way? Why am I so much more productive than you? Can't you figure this stuff out?

Why? Why can't you figure out a spreadsheet? Why' you get stopped by the cops this week? Why did you do this? Why did you do this?

Why? Why? Why it's so frustrating that you always put us in positions, where we're struggling, or HM. May maybe I contribute to the relationship and maybe the session that we're in right now has equal amounts to do with me as it does with them. This is the 15sec thoughts right now.

Maybe maybe Christ is so good that in his great, amazing forethought, he predestined us to be called and conformed to the image of his son, Jesus. And because he thought about it, he thought about the best way to do it. He said: I'm going to start with the law so that they know my precepts. Then he said: you know what I'm going to do. I'm going to send some prophets that they're not going to listen to, so that they can understand more and more about my character of Grace toward people, just like Jonah, toward people who don't necessarily know who Yahweh is.

And then you know what this is: in my grand forethought, I'm going to send my son. They're not going to receive him, but they're going to see in him the embodiment of every aspect of my character. And when they look at Jesus, who came to Earth, they're going to recognize that I have forethought because of my love for the other and all of the creation that I created. You're going to recognize that man God loves us so much that he decided to think ahead. And this is what he's called us to do.

He's called us to think ahead, not just express our needs in the visceral place where we're almost nagging- and I think I'm talking to husbands and wives here. I'm talking to employers and employees here. I'm talking to parents and kids. Here all of us nag because we default to expressing our need without thinking about it. But what does it look like for you to think about it?

I've told myself this. I said I'm smart enough that if I think through it, I can lead this person. I'm smart enough that if I think through it, I can respond positively to this person. I'm smart enough that if I think through it, I'm not going to send that text message that I probably shouldn't sin. I'm smart enough- intelligent enough- that if I take 15 seconds of forethought, then rather than calling them and griping at them, or rather than immediately hanging up when they got frustrated at me.

I'm going to hold on. I'm I'm going take a deep breath, I'm going to pray to my Creator, I'm going to invite him into this conversation. I'm going to speak life into other people. I'm not going to bring death and destruction. I'm not going to be someone who bites and devours- and it's a funny thing.

I, I wanted to show you guys an illustration, because the word there for bite, kind of has, an implication, and- and here's what it is- I had this whole thing. I bought two bones and I gave the other bone to my dog, because what I wanted to indicate to you guys is: this is whole, the bone. I mean, it's a whole animal that this was taken off of, but as a bone, this is whole, . And I gave another one to my dog and what I wanted my dog to do was chew it up all week. So I could show you what happens, because that's the word: bite and devour- just gwing at it, consistently, nagging, frustrated, critical, continuing to just say things that aren't necessarily productive and helpful.

And, my dog apparently isn't as critical as most human beings. He didn't touch the bone and so I couldn't bring the bone. But what I want you to do is Imagine for a moment a real dog had this bone for about four to six days. Can you imagine where this bone would be? It wouldn't be here, cuz the biting and the devouring in the end ends up consuming.

But rather than consuming one another in frustration and continued criticism, what God's called us to do is to make people whole with our words. It says this in Ephesians. This is Paul also talking: Ephesians 4: 29, a very familiar passage. It says: do not let any UNH wholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Now, for all the years of my life up to my 20s, I always interpreted that verse because that's that's what the people at church said.

Say stop cussing, don't use the Lord's name in vain. When it says don't let any of wholesome talk come out of your mouth, I always thought it was about perversions and very inappropriate things and cussing. But what this text is actually telling us is the opposite of what Paul says in Galatians chapter 5. He's saying: you're biting and devouring one another. Rather, Ephesians 4:29: build each other up, use wholesome language, use forethought to think about what can actually build somebody up.

It is easy to come into someone's house and take the Lego structure that your kid built and just kick it. It's easy, but you know what's. You know what's different. It takes a little forethought and it's hard, but it'll make you have a blessed marriage. Is: what can I do to build my spouse up today?

What can I do to speak life into this person today? It's not just about not letting bad things come out of my mouth. It's about thinking enough to say: am I smart enough to think of a positive thing to say: I need you to know it might not be natural, but that's okay. It's still beneficial for you to develop that habit. And so here's what I want you to do today.

This is a reason that we have a little date day or a parents day out for you is: I want you to open up a conversation, and I want you to open up a conversation within the framework that I've kind of given you today, with a soft, gentle startup, and when you're having this conversation, you might even tackle a difficult issue in this conversation, but since you scheduled it, since you're sitting across from one another and you're not immediately flooded about it, since you're going to start up gently and you're going to use L your brain, you're going to think through how can we productively have this conversation where I speak life into the other person and the goal of the conversation is not to meet your need through them changing their behavior. It's for you to do what God called you to do and in so doing he's going to meet your needs. He's going to meet your needs. I'm not saying they shouldn't shift. I'm saying you, through your criticism, cannot make that occur.

But you, through loving them the way Christ loved you, the way that Christ loved the church, through that selfless Act of forethought, induced love, that's how you might actually help them shift to behavior and finally meet your need in that specific relationship. But it comes through building, not through breaking, not through gnawing and chewing to the point where who they were when you married them is a shell of who they used to be. And then you're going to have the audacity to look at them and say that this isn't the person I married. Maybe it's because you've been G way too long. It's two sides and next week we're going to talk about defensiveness, but today it's about criticism.

How can we reduce that critical spirit? It's by meeting our needs, the only way we can truly have our needs met. Your husband, your wife, your employees, your employers, your other people. They cannot meet your deep need. Only Christ can meet that need and he did it and fulfilled it on the cross.

And for those who have never trusted in Jesus, I want to give you that opportunity, because with Christ, your relationship will immediately start on the trajectory of change. Because when you understand him, when you have him in your spirit, he gives you the strength to do things you never would have done in a relationship. So I want to encourage anyone who does not have a personal relationship with Jesus. Let's all bow our heads and close our eyes and we're going to pray this together out loud, for the benefit of those who are accepting Jesus today for the first time, accepting his love, love and in so doing, shifting your entire trajectory in life. You might say this: y'all say it out loud with me: God: I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God.

I believe he died on the cross and Rose from the grave. Father, forgive me of my sin, make me a new creation, and I will follow you for the rest of my life. It's in Jesus name that we pray, and God's people said: amen.